Happy Birthday Xo

Happy Birthday to the wonderful angel Sadhbh Ní Bhrádaigh who would have been 21 today.

It felt strange to me last year and it still feels strange this year writing 'Happy' Birthday when there really is nothing happy about it. Some of you reading this may already know, some of you would have known Sadhbh be it near or far, and maybe some reading this may not have-Sadhbh was a bestfriend to me who passed away on St. Stephen's day '09 at the young age of 18. She lost her life due to Meningitis-which nobody had any idea she had-we thought it was just the flu. Swine flu was going around at the time and everyone presumed that's what she was sick with and that she would get better. I had been tested positive for swine flu earlier in the year and although I did feel incredibly sick I had come through it so I just presumed Sadhbh would too and I didn't think too much about it to be honest. They say lightening doesn't hit twice but in the case of meningitis, for Sadhbh it did-as she had also suffered from it as a baby. I was a child before loosing Sadhbh and I grew-up and became an adult extremely fast the day life changed (and my outlook on it) for me, all of Sadhbh's friends and family. 

I don't really know why I started writing this but I just thought I'd share some of my memories and thoughts on Sadhbh's 21st birthday. I'm not a very religious person, I wouldn't get much comfort from visiting a grave or attending church: I've done those things but memories are more sacred and that's where I find comfort. 

Me (Left) and Sadhbh

How would I describe Sadhbh? and my relationship with her...?

I truly couldn't have asked for a better friend than Sadhbh-I'm not just saying that because she's no longer here, maybe it is what has made me realise it-and maybe it's true that you don't appreciate things until they're gone, but in my case it is definitely true that she was the best-friend I ever had. I moved around a lot as a child-we were always moving house and for that reason I changed schools a number of times-By a number of times I mean I was in 4 different primary schools and 3 different secondary schools (moving in and out of 1 on two occasions therefore again 4 schools during secondary school). I moved so much I was even in a couple of different playschools before that. So it's easy to say my life was very unsettled-don't get me wrong my mum is a great mum and I am so close to her!in fact I couldn't have asked for a better mother but we lived in rented accommodation so I guess it was easy for us to keep moving and we'd be in town when she decided to live in the countryside etc... 

In a way I envy people who grew up in the one area and have practically had the same group of steady friends throughout their life-maybe if I had that I might find dealing with this craziness a lot easier. For me Sadhbh was the only friend I had my entire life-that one friend I knew since I was a baby.. and I just presumed she would always be there. In fact when we were teenagers we used to chat about having our 21st birthday together (our birthdays are a month apart) so I don't think I'll have a proper birthday party this year and I've decided to go away for a weekend instead. 

We were very similar-we looked similar, both around the same height and build with long black hair and we had the same interests: Sadhbh loved singing and dancing as well as horse riding. I wish I had some pictures of us horse riding together. When Sadhbh would come to my house we would saddle-up my pony, Pocahontas (we were both obsessed with the Disney character Pocahontas as children and I ended up calling my pony Pocahontas when I got her at 8years old-a bribe from my mother if I agreed to move to the countryside and live in a cottage, haha), and take her down to the 'commanage'-which was a massive (100acre or so) field at the back of my house-I'd go on the saddle and take the reins and Sadhbh would sit behind the saddle and hold onto my waist and we'd spend hours trekking around the field(-quite dangerous really when I look back on it). With similarity, I guess, to a certain extent, always brings a little bit of competition and we would go through our phases of not getting on so good or arguing but it was mostly silliness really and also, I think if one of us didn't like what the other was doing, or a boy one of us were seeing etc... we would always say it to the other straight out and bluntly: not how you'd go about it maybe with a friend you weren't so close too-mostly because we cared and in some occasions it would lead to an argument but kind-of in the same way you would argue with your sister or a family member. I don't have a large family and my only sister is 9years older than me, so for me Sadhbh truly was more of a sister than just a friend. The most important thing was that when it came down to it she was always there! and when push came to shove she would always have my back and for me that is what a true friend is really about. In one instance only a couple of weeks before Sadhbh passed away I was going through a break-up and it was very emotional and hard for me as it was that "on again off again" phase that is nearly the most difficult thing about a break-up. In this instance we were "off again" and I called over to the girls apartment in Oranmore and Sadhbh was there with a couple of our other friends. I wasn't planning on going out-I was being a bit of a "depressed head" but Sadhbh convinced me to go out-I had brought no clothes or anything with me so Sadhbh pulled me down to her house and we left the rest of them for a few minutes. She dragged me up to her room and opened her wardrobe trying everything on me like I was her little doll. She knew that my ex was going to be there and she wanted me to look my best. As I mentioned above, we looked similar and we also had similar tastes so sometimes when we were young we could be a little competitive when it came to clothes and stuff like that but in this instance she knew how down I was feeling and in her own words she wanted to "rub in ...'s face what he was missing", haha. It was exactly what I needed and it's a great memory I have of her-she picked out my outfit(-I just wore jeans of my own and heels and a top of hers-I didn't have any tan on or anything so I didn't want to wear a dress). She also matched my jewellery to what I was wearing and she put a lot of thought into it-trying different things on me and saying "mmm no too much" and "perfect" haha.

The Top Sadhbh is wearing here is the top she lent me

Another funny memory I have of Sadhbh is sitting on a wall behind the secondary school in Oranmore and screaming singing Natasha Bedingfield's "I wanna have you're babies" to two boys we liked at the time-We just wanted to freak them out and we had a great laugh laughing at ourselves haha-nobody else thought we were funny.. just weird :p

When we were in primary school we used to always sing for our teacher Padraic and act the messers-as bold as brass when were together. We were a very close class and I could go on and on about the memories I have from the Gaelscoil in Oranmore and our friends there-It could well be the happiest point in my life without me even realising it-they were just such carefree times. Me, Sadhbh and Sorcha were the three musketeers and after watching the Britney Spears movie we even buried a memory box in Sadhbh's back garden (her parents didn't know we dug up the garden, haha). One song that reminds me of Christmas shopping with Sadhbh and Sorcha is 'What if' by Kate Winslet and from the movie 'A Christmas Carol'-we went to see it after shopping.

I saw this statement on the net and it is so true

"Have you ever heard a song from so long ago with so many memories tied to it that it made you cry? And didn't you with that go back into time when everything seemed so much simpler and carefree? Those are songs that are the soundtrack of our lives... the ones that bring back childhood memories, best friends, first love, first heartbreak... the memories."

Music is something that really reminds me of different periods in my life with Sadhbh...here are a few:

Ignition was out when we were on the Gaeltacht in Ros Muc and I started crying to it towards the end because I didn't want to go home-Sadhbh started laughing at me ha and then started crying too, Haha.

I've a great memory of me and Sadhbh singing La Roux Bulletproof  at the top of our lungs on a sunny day driving in my car #FighterSong

Some of the songs we used to sing when we were younger:

We made up a dance routine to U-G-L-Y when we were in 5th class and for years later we both said it was the most we ever laughed in our lives-Sadhbh peed a little, haha. I think it still is the hardest I have ever laughed.

Six.... Yeah we were corn-balls: we made up a routine to this in sadhbh's up stairs sitting room: She sang the part "Like a highway that goes on and on..."

We loved the Jackson five and Cleopatra.

Another example of how great a friend Sadhbh was is that she'd always do silly things to cheer me up when-ever I was down: One clear memory is when she started singing "Break my stride" on top of her lungs in eyre square dancing around putting my name into the song "Ain't nothing gonna break SHARI's stride, Ain't nothing gonna slow her down-Oh NO-She Gotta Keep on MOVINGG..."

Two of Sadhbh's favourite songs which REALLY remind me of her were 'Sexy Bitch' by Akon and John O'Callaghan 'Find Yourself'-If either came on when we were out she would always be out on the dance floor.

She used to mess saying Akon wrote 'Sexy B**ch' for her.

I made the above video last year, unfortunately the song skips a little due to the amount of pictures used.

'When I Love Myself Enough'
When I was going through that break-up that I mentioned above I called over to Sadhbh, just for a chat, and she gave me a little book of quotes called 'When I Loved Myself Enough' by Kim McMillen. She said that her mum and given it to her when she had broken up with a boyfriend and was feeling a little low and that she found it helped to read. I didn't read it much but quite soon after Sadhbh passed away I saw it staring at me in my room and I went over and opened it on a random page. The page read:
"When I loved myself enough I learned to grieve for the hurts in life when they happen instead of making my heart heavy from lugging them around"
My immediate feeling was that Sadhbh was trying to tell me something and that she wanted me to grieve and then carry on without a heavy heart-I would be lying if I said I didn't find this difficult: At the beginning I couldn't cry-I didn't know what was wrong with me... I am someone who could cry at a sad film or an animal dying-even on tv: So this was a reaction I definitely didn't expect. I didn't understand why I couldn't cry properly or express my emotions. I went out a lot at the start and I would just blank nights out-not for any reason-not because I would drink more than usual or anything like that but I just wouldn't remember them: especially if we were somewhere that reminded me of Sadhbh for example 'the Route' in Oranmore or the 'GPO'. I still don't really know why this was. I would try to put on a brave face and I ended up isolating myself from a lot of people: In college I threw myself into going to the gym and didn't really socalise anymore making college a very lonely place for me-I am someone with over 2,000 friends on facebook I don't think anyone would ever expect me to say that I felt lonely. I don't even know if it's a smart thing to express my feelings on the internet but it's the truth and maybe someone reading this might be going through the same thing or it might help someone even in a little way. I also grew a part from friends who connected me with Sadhbh-mutual friends-this wasn't on purpose: we were all growing up and had different interests and directions and although I would love to say that it made us closer and we are all a really tight group instead it made a hole and a "elephant in the room" that we barley talk about. I've only on one occasion tried to visit Sadhbh's parents and her sister in their house: Some people might think that's terrible.. I don't know, but I just found/find it really difficult and in a way I'm not sure if I'm intruding or what we'd talk about.. would it be awkward etc... I'm someone who hates awkward situations so if I can avoid them I will.

I still revert back to the book of quotes Sadhbh gave me when I feel down and for some reason every time I open it it seems to be the perfect quote for the particular situation that I am in at the time.
On a positive note what I can take from this massive bump in my life is that it has truly taught me that life is SHORT, granted it's a lesson I really wish I didn't learn the hard way, never the less it's something I can't control and It's made me start taking my life seriously. I'm trying my best to do the things I love and nearly all of my energy goes into following my true passions. I am a more confident person as a result-not that I don't have insecurities, everyone does! but more so that I know I am me, I will never be anyone else (so there's no need even wishing), I only have one life and I'm gonna live it to the best of my ability and to the full. Sometimes I feel guilty that Sadhbh isn't in my position and I do think that life is extremely unfair-but I look at the wonders of nature and the beauty around us in animals and life on earth and I just hope that there is a bigger picture that we don't know about. One day that dawned on me when I was walking home and I suddenly noticed loads of insects in the grass-those insects are alive, breathing and thinking-it may sound crazy but for me I think nature like that shows that there is a bigger picture and life that we don't know about. In a dream Sadhbh said to me that I can "build a beautiful garden" I'm trying to do that-metaphorically, not literally. During the summer my Great aunty Della also passed away, she was the closest thing I ever had to a granny as my granny died before  I was born. In a dream I heard her say "Imagination is the Key to Success" I don't know about anyone else but I have never heard this quote before. I woke-up with it going around and around in my head and I've put a lot of thought into what it could mean-coming up with many different interpretations. I even googled it and found that Albert Einstein had also thought this because knowledge is limited but imagination is unlimited and endless. Perhaps it could be the same as "You can do whatever you put your mind too".

If I was to give anyone in this world advice it would be-don't wait until you learn the hardway how short life is-or if sadly you already have try to focus and appreciate the simple things and the small things, love the people who love you and chase your dreams: Whatever they might be, be the best person you can be and not a copy of someone else.

I'm going to sign this one Shari (It's the nickname I've always been called) Xo

Always loved this picture of Sadhbh with her hair blowing xo

Inspirational Quotes:

I wanted a perfect ending. Now I've learned the hard way that some poems don't rhyme, and some stories don't have a clear beginning, middle, or end. Life is about not knowing, having to change, taking the moment and making what you can of it, without knowing what's to happen next.

"Don't fear failure so much that you refuse to try new things. The saddest summary of a life contains three descriptions: could have, might have, and should have."

"Rock bottom is good solid ground, and a dead end street is just a place to turn around."

"Cherish your yesterdays and dream your tomorrows, but most importantly, don't forget to live your today's."

"Sometimes you gotta stop and remember that your not gonna live forever. Be young, think smart, stay true and just follow your heart."

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life, lifestyle